My worst fears came true.

Mom lost her job the other day. She wasn't laid off, she was just fired, so no severance package or anything. We're almost 100k in debt (that includes the mortgage) we're behind on all bills, we have no money. We have $300 in the bank, we're not paying mortgage this month, cable is being cut off, our garbage cans have been taken away because we're behind on them, we're only paying $50 on the loan payment this month but need to start getting $200 every month for that. We're just lucky we have food in the house, for now.

Mom has applied for welfare (food stamps, cash aide, and medical) and also unemployment, but if she gets unemployment, that's only 75% of what she earned at the casino, which won't cover the bills.

She was making $14.50 an hour at the casino, and at the end of the month, after bills, we only really had about $50 left over for gas and any food we needed (thank god I get food stamps, but you know how hard it is to feed 4 people, one a growing boy, on $200 a month?), so with unemployment, we'll barely, and I mean BARELY have enough money to cover bills. With cable gone that's cutting $50 off our bills though, so it's a plus.

Me and mom are both looking for jobs, if mom is the only one that gets a job, and a full time one, she'll be cut off unemployment, and only make half of what she used to. I've been thinking of selling stuff from the house, but really, no one is buying these days because almost everyone is in this damn boat.

I just don't know what we are going to do, I can NOT move back in with grandma, none of us can handle that again. We're so close to being reduced to picking cans, bottles and plastic out of peoples garbage cans it's not even funny.

1 year old, and rambling, it's like a REAL baby!

Wow, I can't believe this blog is a year old already, doesn't seem like it is, and man, am I a bitchy complainer or what? And very late at getting new headers up :P

I'm glad I started my other blog so that I can put a bit more positive back into the world, and maybe I'll try putting more positive out in teh world with this blog as well, or maybe I'll just keep it as a bitchy and complaining blog :) Because I know everyone loves those kinds of blogs.

It was so weird going through all my past blogs, I really need to start keeping records of dreams more, because I've been having some doozies.

It's been quite a year though, I've decided I'm going to move, then decided against it, then decided again I should move, that I need to move, because where I am right now isn't helping me in the slightest. I found I need courage, and hopefully I'll build some up this year.

Still jobless and loveless, though still doing those free weekends at eHarmony, still spending my days hating work and avoiding it with WoW. Trying to fill the hours until I can fall into bed and have wonderful dreams of a wonderful life.

I havn't talked to the only father I've known in a while, not since he went to prison (btw he's out now, and in the Salvation Army (guess it's like detox?) trying to get better), I've been wanting to mail him, but I never know what to say.

I think this week, that's what I'm going to do, draft a letter to him, hopefully he's still where he is, and you know, alive.

There is just so much I need to do in my life, and I don't know if I have the time to do it, you know? Just sitting here, thinking about what I need, and have to do, to feel like my life is complete, just boggles the mind, makes me go cross eyed and dizzy.

I'm starting to ramble, it's almost 6am and I need sleep, but Happy Birthday recorded time, and Happy Birthday blog, :)

Being allergic to things sucks.

Like most people I have the dust, and pollen allergies. But unlike some people, I have a soap allergy.

Before you start, I like being clean, but apparently my body does not. I can't shower every day, if I do shower every day I can't wash with soap. I have to spread my soap usage out. I just spent the week at my grandma's. Forgot to take my germ-x so every time I went potty or just wanted clean hands, I had to use soap. Now my hands are itchy, rashy, and scabby. If I where to shower every day, my whole body would be like that, and it's driving me completely insane when my hands are itchy, I think I would actually have to go to a mental institution if my whole body was like this.

I don't know what it is in the soap, I've tried a bunch of different brands, I know Soft Soap, Bath and Body, Dial, Dove, and a couple other ones do it to me. I would really love to find a soap, hand and bath, that will not do this to me.

I'd go in for testing to see what part of the soap it was, but I just can't afford it at all.

Now, excuse me while I go scratch my hand off.

Diets and Working Out

Bah, started a new diet. I REALLY need to loose some weight. Signed up at sparkpeople again, got me some special k, slim fast, and water, lmbo.

Special K (with 2 slices of dry whole wheat toast) for breakfast, Slim Fast for lunch, and whatever for dinner (tonight it might be some spaghetti noodles, chicken strips, and fries). As silly as it sounds, I need to eat more calories then what I've put down so far.

Or slow down on the exercising. I've walked a mile already today, did a shit load of housework, and have more exercising planned for later on tonight but I don't want to over do it, or hurt myself.

I'll just need to find the right balance of food and exercises. Because of my PCOS I want to burn TWICE as much as I eat a day. Hopefully that will balance out my body, so far today I've eaten 555 calories and burned 1084, so I'm on track so far, just need to figure out the dinner thing, lol.

Walking a mile a day will burn off 860 calories, and I might just be able to turn it into 2 miles a day soon, we'll find out. It's a half a mile in the morning, then half a mile at night.

I also need to find times to work, fuck I should be working now but I so don't want to :/

Hidradenitis Suppurativa

Hidradenitis suppurativa (hi-drad-uh-NI-tis sup-u-ra-TI-va) is a chronic skin inflammation marked by the presence of blackheads and one or more red, tender bumps (lesions). The lesions often enlarge, break open and drain pus. Scarring may result after several recurrences.

Doesn't that just sound kick in the balls fun!? I've been suffering (maybe that's not the right word...) from this disease since I was 12, this year marks a decade of having Hidradenitis. When I was first diagnosed, I didn't listen to the doctor at all when he was talking, I just know I wanted whatever it was gone.

THIS IS A PICTURE. It's gross, but not as bad as some. That's what mine was like, not that big, same length, but only about 2-3 inches 'tall'. I had that under my left arm pit for 3 years. Not only did it look horrible, and OOZE, it smelt like rotting flesh.

I remember when it first happened, it was small, the 'hole' as we called it was just the size of a dime, we went to the hospital (of course) to see what it was, after looking at it for like 10 minutes, silent, the doctor looked at me and ask 'Is this a bullet wound?' we then did the 'no' 'are you sure' thing a couple times, he then referred me to a dermatologist, who then referred me to Dr. Rawson in either Sacramento or Stockton, maybe it was Modesto...

Any who, I saw him once a month for 2 years. He told me there was nothing he could do, to just keep it clean and aired out. After 2 years, it was not any better, so we went for surgery. Small and quick, they cut it open, drained it, and stitched it back up and I was home sleeping that night with some lovely pills.

Surgery did not take. After the stitches dissolved (and after a small scare of a popped stitch) it was still there.

That's when I took it into my own hands, I told the doctor thanks, but I'm done. I gave up, I was just tired of it all, and I left it alone. Kept it dry as much as I could, did my best to cover the smell, went back to school and lived my life.

A year later it went away, leaving me with a scar the length of my armpit, and 2-3 inches 'tall'.

I had forgotten what the doctor had called it, and didn't have a computer so never looked it up, I just hoped and wished every day it would never come back.

A year after it closed up we moved, up into the mountains from near the bay area. A year after moving, there was a lump under the scar, scared me spit less I was crying and begging God why he was doing this, I was always a good child, I went to church most of the time back then and even prayed every night. Though not so much since it happened.

Went to the doctor and she told me it was just a swollen gland, and it would happen every time I got sick, or was about to get sick, glands in my neck and under the arms would swell. That's when I decided I'd do everything in my power to never get sick, and thus became my slight germaphobe tendencies.

For the next couple years, nothing happened, I got a horrible cause of Planters Warts, and learned I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), but nothing happened with the Hidradenitis.

And we fast forward to now. I will be turning 22 on the 28th. 10 whole years since this started. For the past 2 days, I've had a very sore lump under my left arm, and I could barely move it, I had to hold it like I used to, like I had a sling on it. Pain has been unbearable as I've had to shower and clean without letting mom know about it (she completely freaks out almost worse then me on this thing), but I had to tell her last night when she found me crying.

I was then later that night talking to my friend about it, and a name popped out at me as I was talking about it, hydrodinitus, I know, it's similar, but not it, but that's what I then remembered the doctor saying, lol. Thank god for Google and it's 'did you mean...', I clicked on the link for Hidradenitis, read it, looked at very gross pictures, and knew what I had.

After reading up on it last night, and finding things out, I knew I had a flare up because of (WARNING TMI!) my period starting (another reason to hate the fucking thing) and I read that this normally starts when girls reach puberty (it's a boy disease too, but mainly hits girls) and I know I had just gotten my period at the age of 12.

So after reading some 'home remedies' for flare ups, I grabbed a washcloth, put some warm water on it and stuck it under my arm to help with the swelling, and took some aspirin to help with the pain of both the arm and the cramps. After 10 minutes of warm water and aspirin the arm was feeling much better. Went to bed, woke up and it was hurting a bit, so slapped a warm cloth on it and it's felling much better, I can actually move it with very little pain, hell, I just made cookies without wanting to cry!

As soon as swelling goes all the way down, and it's looking not so icky, I want to take some pictures. I used to have a picture of it before it got better, but I think I burnt it.

p.s. New banner is coming soon, just got cs4 from a friend (she had 2!) and need to install it today.