Clawdee

My worst fears came true.

2010-01-15T10:00:00.001-08:00

Mom lost her job the other day. She wasn't laid off, she was just fired, so no severance package or anything. We're almost 100k in debt (that includes the mortgage) we're behind on all bills, we have no money. We have $300 in the bank, we're not paying mortgage this month, cable is being cut off, our garbage cans have been taken away because we're behind on them, we're only paying $50 on the loan payment this month but need to start getting $200 every month for that. We're just lucky we have food in the house, for now.

Mom has applied for welfare (food stamps, cash aide, and medical) and also unemployment, but if she gets unemployment, that's only 75% of what she earned at the casino, which won't cover the bills.

She was making $14.50 an hour at the casino, and at the end of the month, after bills, we only really had about $50 left over for gas and any food we needed (thank god I get food stamps, but you know how hard it is to feed 4 people, one a growing boy, on $200 a month?), so with unemployment, we'll barely, and I mean BARELY have enough money to cover bills. With cable gone that's cutting $50 off our bills though, so it's a plus.

Me and mom are both looking for jobs, if mom is the only one that gets a job, and a full time one, she'll be cut off unemployment, and only make half of what she used to. I've been thinking of selling stuff from the house, but really, no one is buying these days because almost everyone is in this damn boat.

I just don't know what we are going to do, I can NOT move back in with grandma, none of us can handle that again. We're so close to being reduced to picking cans, bottles and plastic out of peoples garbage cans it's not even funny.

1 year old, and rambling, it's like a REAL baby!

2010-01-03T05:35:00.001-08:00

Wow, I can't believe this blog is a year old already, doesn't seem like it is, and man, am I a bitchy complainer or what? And very late at getting new headers up :P

I'm glad I started my other blog so that I can put a bit more positive back into the world, and maybe I'll try putting more positive out in teh world with this blog as well, or maybe I'll just keep it as a bitchy and complaining blog :) Because I know everyone loves those kinds of blogs.

It was so weird going through all my past blogs, I really need to start keeping records of dreams more, because I've been having some doozies.

It's been quite a year though, I've decided I'm going to move, then decided against it, then decided again I should move, that I need to move, because where I am right now isn't helping me in the slightest. I found I need courage, and hopefully I'll build some up this year.

Still jobless and loveless, though still doing those free weekends at eHarmony, still spending my days hating work and avoiding it with WoW. Trying to fill the hours until I can fall into bed and have wonderful dreams of a wonderful life.

I havn't talked to the only father I've known in a while, not since he went to prison (btw he's out now, and in the Salvation Army (guess it's like detox?) trying to get better), I've been wanting to mail him, but I never know what to say.

I think this week, that's what I'm going to do, draft a letter to him, hopefully he's still where he is, and you know, alive.

There is just so much I need to do in my life, and I don't know if I have the time to do it, you know? Just sitting here, thinking about what I need, and have to do, to feel like my life is complete, just boggles the mind, makes me go cross eyed and dizzy.

I'm starting to ramble, it's almost 6am and I need sleep, but Happy Birthday recorded time, and Happy Birthday blog, :)

Being allergic to things sucks.

2009-11-30T23:53:00.000-08:00

Like most people I have the dust, and pollen allergies. But unlike some people, I have a soap allergy.

Before you start, I like being clean, but apparently my body does not. I can't shower every day, if I do shower every day I can't wash with soap. I have to spread my soap usage out. I just spent the week at my grandma's. Forgot to take my germ-x so every time I went potty or just wanted clean hands, I had to use soap. Now my hands are itchy, rashy, and scabby. If I where to shower every day, my whole body would be like that, and it's driving me completely insane when my hands are itchy, I think I would actually have to go to a mental institution if my whole body was like this.

I don't know what it is in the soap, I've tried a bunch of different brands, I know Soft Soap, Bath and Body, Dial, Dove, and a couple other ones do it to me. I would really love to find a soap, hand and bath, that will not do this to me.

I'd go in for testing to see what part of the soap it was, but I just can't afford it at all.

Now, excuse me while I go scratch my hand off.

Diets and Working Out

2009-10-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

Bah, started a new diet. I REALLY need to loose some weight. Signed up at sparkpeople again, got me some special k, slim fast, and water, lmbo.

Special K (with 2 slices of dry whole wheat toast) for breakfast, Slim Fast for lunch, and whatever for dinner (tonight it might be some spaghetti noodles, chicken strips, and fries). As silly as it sounds, I need to eat more calories then what I've put down so far.

Or slow down on the exercising. I've walked a mile already today, did a shit load of housework, and have more exercising planned for later on tonight but I don't want to over do it, or hurt myself.

I'll just need to find the right balance of food and exercises. Because of my PCOS I want to burn TWICE as much as I eat a day. Hopefully that will balance out my body, so far today I've eaten 555 calories and burned 1084, so I'm on track so far, just need to figure out the dinner thing, lol.

Walking a mile a day will burn off 860 calories, and I might just be able to turn it into 2 miles a day soon, we'll find out. It's a half a mile in the morning, then half a mile at night.

I also need to find times to work, fuck I should be working now but I so don't want to :/

Hidradenitis Suppurativa

2009-09-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

Hidradenitis suppurativa (hi-drad-uh-NI-tis sup-u-ra-TI-va) is a chronic skin inflammation marked by the presence of blackheads and one or more red, tender bumps (lesions). The lesions often enlarge, break open and drain pus. Scarring may result after several recurrences.

Doesn't that just sound kick in the balls fun!? I've been suffering (maybe that's not the right word...) from this disease since I was 12, this year marks a decade of having Hidradenitis. When I was first diagnosed, I didn't listen to the doctor at all when he was talking, I just know I wanted whatever it was gone.

THIS IS A PICTURE. It's gross, but not as bad as some. That's what mine was like, not that big, same length, but only about 2-3 inches 'tall'. I had that under my left arm pit for 3 years. Not only did it look horrible, and OOZE, it smelt like rotting flesh.

I remember when it first happened, it was small, the 'hole' as we called it was just the size of a dime, we went to the hospital (of course) to see what it was, after looking at it for like 10 minutes, silent, the doctor looked at me and ask 'Is this a bullet wound?' we then did the 'no' 'are you sure' thing a couple times, he then referred me to a dermatologist, who then referred me to Dr. Rawson in either Sacramento or Stockton, maybe it was Modesto...

Any who, I saw him once a month for 2 years. He told me there was nothing he could do, to just keep it clean and aired out. After 2 years, it was not any better, so we went for surgery. Small and quick, they cut it open, drained it, and stitched it back up and I was home sleeping that night with some lovely pills.

Surgery did not take. After the stitches dissolved (and after a small scare of a popped stitch) it was still there.

That's when I took it into my own hands, I told the doctor thanks, but I'm done. I gave up, I was just tired of it all, and I left it alone. Kept it dry as much as I could, did my best to cover the smell, went back to school and lived my life.

A year later it went away, leaving me with a scar the length of my armpit, and 2-3 inches 'tall'.

I had forgotten what the doctor had called it, and didn't have a computer so never looked it up, I just hoped and wished every day it would never come back.

A year after it closed up we moved, up into the mountains from near the bay area. A year after moving, there was a lump under the scar, scared me spit less I was crying and begging God why he was doing this, I was always a good child, I went to church most of the time back then and even prayed every night. Though not so much since it happened.

Went to the doctor and she told me it was just a swollen gland, and it would happen every time I got sick, or was about to get sick, glands in my neck and under the arms would swell. That's when I decided I'd do everything in my power to never get sick, and thus became my slight germaphobe tendencies.

For the next couple years, nothing happened, I got a horrible cause of Planters Warts, and learned I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), but nothing happened with the Hidradenitis.

And we fast forward to now. I will be turning 22 on the 28th. 10 whole years since this started. For the past 2 days, I've had a very sore lump under my left arm, and I could barely move it, I had to hold it like I used to, like I had a sling on it. Pain has been unbearable as I've had to shower and clean without letting mom know about it (she completely freaks out almost worse then me on this thing), but I had to tell her last night when she found me crying.

I was then later that night talking to my friend about it, and a name popped out at me as I was talking about it, hydrodinitus, I know, it's similar, but not it, but that's what I then remembered the doctor saying, lol. Thank god for Google and it's 'did you mean...', I clicked on the link for Hidradenitis, read it, looked at very gross pictures, and knew what I had.

After reading up on it last night, and finding things out, I knew I had a flare up because of (WARNING TMI!) my period starting (another reason to hate the fucking thing) and I read that this normally starts when girls reach puberty (it's a boy disease too, but mainly hits girls) and I know I had just gotten my period at the age of 12.

So after reading some 'home remedies' for flare ups, I grabbed a washcloth, put some warm water on it and stuck it under my arm to help with the swelling, and took some aspirin to help with the pain of both the arm and the cramps. After 10 minutes of warm water and aspirin the arm was feeling much better. Went to bed, woke up and it was hurting a bit, so slapped a warm cloth on it and it's felling much better, I can actually move it with very little pain, hell, I just made cookies without wanting to cry!

As soon as swelling goes all the way down, and it's looking not so icky, I want to take some pictures. I used to have a picture of it before it got better, but I think I burnt it.

p.s. New banner is coming soon, just got cs4 from a friend (she had 2!) and need to install it today.

More big things, yay?

2009-07-21T01:57:00.000-07:00

So, after much thought, and math, I've decided that since the California Job system sucks so much, I have to move.

To Kentucky. To MANCHESTER, KENTUCKY.

Yes.

Almost all the way across the US for a job. But it's the only place I can go. All my family is in CA. I only have 1 person out of CA that I trust, and she's in Kentucky.

So come January, I'll be flying over to Kentucky to live. Get a job, an apartment, and be 'grown up' and junk.

So, update.

2009-07-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

Dad is not in jail. He's in Nevada State Prison. For, of course, drugs.

He wrote us a letter today, says after his mother died (who he always said he was hoping she'd go soon so he could get her money) he lost it and started doing drugs, and getting caught.

He'll be in until September 24th. If he's good, otherwise, he's there until 2010. Which might be good for him. I at least now have his address.

So it's still April?

2009-06-30T18:39:00.001-07:00

Yup, have yet to reinstall Photo Shop, which I should do this weekend, just for the hell of it. And to update some things.

I've been really wanting to plant things lately, like, I don't know what color thumb I have, so I decided to start with something small and easy. Cosmos. My brother said he wanted to plant some flowers as well, but he's done jack shit. So now I have 2 kings of Cosmo's, Seashell http://www.burpee.com/product/annual+flowers/cosmos/cosmos+seashells+mix++-+1+pkt.+%2840+seeds%29.do (mine) and Cosmic Orange http://www.burpee.com/product/annual+flowers/cosmos/cosmos+cosmic+orange++-+1+pkt+%2830+seeds%29.do (brothers)

So far, I had my Sea Shells growing, then they died when I went away for the weekend and no one watered them, then when I replanted only one grew back and the cats ate it. So I decided to try the Cosmic Oranges, so far, only 1 has grown out of 3, I replanted the other 2 last night. The one that is growing, is fighting a battle with the cats.

The cats have eaten 2 of it's leaves. I think I'm going to have to move them outside or something, because I'm tired of replanting them, and I'm running out of soil.

I'm just worried about them outside, I know it says they are supposed to be in direct sunlight, but it's also 115* outside, so ick ya know?

Guess it won't hurt to try, I'll set up the table on the deck later when it's not hot and set up and replant what I need to, and then hope the dog doesn't eat them.

It has been decided.

2009-06-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

With one email.

Aunt's too busy with many things this year. And she wants me to get a well rounded education...so I'm going to the local college... maybe. Going to call them tomorrow and see about Financial Aide.

Dude, let's do some clonning.

2009-05-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

So, a while ago my aunt offered for me to live with her, but I had to go to the local college and get a job. This past month, I've been really thinking of taking her up on this offer, only because I NEED the money right now more then the college, and the only class at the college I even want to take is English.

What I really want to take is photography though, but there are no schools near me that offer it last time I looked, nearest one is in San Francisco about 3 hours away from me.

Today, grandma called and told my mom that the High School I went to (which was an Independent Study program) is now offering a couple college courses, 2 of them being: Creative Writing and, you guessed it, Photography. I'd be able to get loans, or 'help' cause I'm poor :P But, gah, we just need money and I don't know if these classes will be here next year or if it's a one time thing.But I also didn't want to leave my house, cause I know the kids are very irresponsible (I know they aren't my responsibility, but they are when mom works 10 hours a night and sleeps during the day) and mom kinda let's them do whatever because she's so tired of their...junk.

I just fear that Matthew would end up in jail and Lindsey would end up with baby. Cause mom is either sleeping or working with no help around the house (except me and with me not here...)Someone come help? -head desk-

The Disapointments of life.

2009-05-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

So a slight history on me. My parents divorced when I was 1. I haven't seen anything but pictures of my biological dad since then.

When I was 3, my mom met a guy, Patrick.

He became my father for the next 18 years of my life. He wasn't always there, and it was sometimes hard to get a hold of him, but I always knew that if I really, really needed him, he'd be there. Unlike my biological father. Patrick is also an achoholic. I can't remember a time where he did not have a beer in his hand, or tequila in the kitchen ready for shots.

I have to say one of my most vivid memories consist of him having a glass of beer, and telling me it was apple juice, just to see my face after I've taken a drink. He pulled that trick many times on me, and I enjoyed watching him play it on my brother and sister (his biological children).

I've always worried about his drinking habits, and I had a small feeling that he was into other, harder things, drugs. Since his long time girlfriend left him (whom I thought of as another mother) a couple years ago, I've been really worried about him. He's a real slacker, and I know this, it's always worried me. Along with his heart problems and the drinking. I wrote him a letter a couple years ago, hoping that it would help him, I poured my feelings out to him and it didn't help him, I wanted to give up, but I didn't.

When ever I could I would talk to him, make sure he was OK, spending days worrying about him, and after hearing some news yesterday, I think I might finally be done.

His brother called the other day, the kids uncle, to say he was coming to visit next week, no idea why since he dislikes us, and he only ever came because of his mom, but she passed about 5 months ago.

While talking to him he said that Pat was in jail. And has been for 4 months, for drugs.

But, this news didn't surprise me, I just nodded my head, and held back the tears. I finished the convo, then went back to work. My time worrying about him is over, I can't do it anymore. I have more to worry about right now with myself, my mom and my siblings to worry about his sorry ass any more.

I do hope that this jail time helps him, I really do. If I knew where he was, I'd send him another letter, though it would again fall on deaf ears.

Jon and Kate, meet my friend Karma.

2009-05-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

So, who watched the season premier last night? Anyone? Crickets, are you saying you watched it?

That's what I thought.

From what I've been reading though, Kate put up a huge cry fest, and they are both blaming the media for their problems.

Um, hello?

YOU'RE ON TV, FUCK YEA THE MEDIA IS GOING TO PICK UP ON PROBLEMS YOU HAD WAY BEFORE THEM.

We all know Kate is only doing this for the gifts and shit, but girl needs to do her research! What, she think this would all go unnoticed if she said 'It's for the kids, we need the money' every single (65k) episode? Did she think they would end up like the Roloffs? Again, girl needs to do her research. When the Roloffs fuck up, their in the media. Matt Roloff was in the media ONCE for a DUI, they've kept clean since, and before that. They are a wonderful family.

I wouldn't doubt that Jon and Kate have been having affairs, or that Kate did have a contract drawn up saying the marriage was over, they can boink whoever, as long as they keep doing the show. They are both selfish, horrible people, and it's about time Karma reared it's head.

Jon and Kate sold their children's souls to the Devil, and we know he ain't the nicest son of a bitch around.

Yes, I know, thanks.

2009-05-25T12:08:00.001-07:00

So it's no longer April, it is in fact May, almost June. My photoshot is down, so you'll deal with the April banner for a bit. And I know, I havn't blogged in a while, um...I forgot?

Anywho...just been doing some thinking lately. My aunt has been generous enough to offer me the guest room in her house if I needed to move down there. On one condition, I had to go to College. To the Bakersfield College, and you know, get a job so I could pay for the college and all the obligations I still have here at home.

It's just alot of thinking to do, about alot of things that can very well change my life, not sure if it's for the better or not, but I guess we'll see.

I'm just most worried that I won't really have a computer. They have one, but it's super slow and kinda old. Won't hold all my pictures, and I can't get photoshop on it, nor can I get any of my games on it. I'd just be leaving behind alot of things.

I mean, I KNOW I NEED to do this, I just don't know if I'm ready for it yet. It's alot to take in and think about.

Because I find these things funny.

2009-04-08T00:11:00.001-07:00

Name changed to protect the STUPID:

HIM says:
Immature?

ME says:
So what, you're just going to send me a main and not let me defend myself by blocking me?

HIM says:
?
Did i do that?

ME says:
I did not 'flame' you, I said good luck in finding some retard to pay that insane price

HIM says:
This includes flaming a player because someone feels their shop or swap prices are too high It is up to the individual player how much to charge, and if someone does not wish to purchase it for that amount, they are not obligated to

ME says:
Again, retard, I know you can read, I did NOT FLAME YOU

HIM says:
Too high being the key word

ME says:
I just said GOOD LUCK

HIM says:
(THIS is a letter I sent to him:) Dude, really? Everyone else I talked to is selling it for 1mil and down, it's not THAT rare Now, if it was the end of the bunny game, then yes, you could sell it that high, but good luck pawning it off on a poor unsuspecting newb
No one with that kind of money is going to fall for that
And blocking me for telling you the truth? How very immature
(then what he says about it) Good luck?

ME says:
Again, not flaming, look it up.

HIM says:
Explain where it is?

ME says:
Fuckhead, read: but good luck pawning it off on a poor unsuspecting newb

HIM says:
You are being sarcatic
Not nice

MEsays:
So

HIM says:
Not saying it in a friendly way

ME says:
I said I said good luck, not that I meant it
Oh cry me a fucking river

HIM says:
NAh im good
Fucken bitch

ME said:
hahaha, go look in a mirror. I've heard better insults when I was fucking 9

----

And then he blocked me/got offline because he can't handle hearing the truth.

The End.

I've been sick!

2009-04-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

Which is why I haven't changed the profile, or posted anything. I haven't been this sick in 3 years. Yea I've had little 1-2 day colds that sorta feel like I don't have a cold at all, more like allergies, but this cold has hit me hard.

Can't breathe through my nose, scratchy throat, cough, a little fever. It's insane.

So I'll get a new April header up soon.

Right now, I'm off to play Majesty!

House Hunting

2009-03-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately allot about moving. Though I know it will be forever until I can actually move out on my own, I've just been shopping around.

Now I know I don't want to live anywhere along the West Coast, it's all too expensive, but I have been looking in Kentucky, the Manchester area, because it's hella cheap, and I know a couple of people around there. I've recently found this very cute, 2 bedroom house in Springfield, KY (about 2 hours from Manchester) for way cheap, $64,900. For the WHOLE thing. $319 a month.

It's small, adorable, and I am completely heels over head in love with it. Even the inside paint colors are some I would have chosen.

It's like the house was MADE for me.

But without a job, or any money, I mean hell, my wallet is in the negatives because of my stupid credit card. I'm going to sit here and work my ass off at work for the rest of the month (April) to pay off my credit card, and whatever bills come up, let's up it's not much. And thank God I have the money for the IRS, you don't want to piss them off.

BTW, HOUSE: http://www.century21.com/idxproperty/index.jsp?id=ERA2607115 All but the Pink is pleasing.

I'll take 'Things being Douches' for 500 Alex

2009-03-22T02:31:00.000-07:00

So, I had this nice blog written up yesterday before bed, but it wouldn't let me post it, something about my computer having a virus, I spent about 2 hours finding out that I didn't have a virus. So, here's my blog from last night:

The last week or so I have been busy, not with must, and nothing that pays, but something for me to fill the days with. Not only have I been modding the wonderful Yu+Me forum, which consists of just sitting there and refreshing every so often, but I've been asked to work on a project for a site I go to.

It's actually a help site for a site I go to, the 'cheese' site. But I enjoy it. I'm making the graphics for it, and helping out with colors (cause he needs it), and it's fun.

But, I've also been thinking about a person I talk to lately. During the CheeseGate, some info was passed to Liz, the owner, that I think came from someone I talked to.

I regarded this girl as a friend, someone I could trust, yes she was a little weird, but who isn't? I'm really starting to think that she is a spy for Liz, gathering any info she can to send to Liz.

Cause I know this girl has been in some major trouble on the site, repeatedly, but she gets to stay on when others would have been kicked off. I'm wondering if she's able to stay because she's spying.

And I don't like the feeling. I don't know thinking that she is a spy, that she's only talking to me and being chummy to back stab me. Now, I never say anything to get myself in trouble in the IM's, I'm just fucking around when I say most of the stuff I say, so it's not like I'm saying I'm going to hack the site or anything, like I would know how.

I know I will never say anything to get myself in trouble, but I don't like the feeling that she's just waiting for me to say something like that so she can run and tug on Liz's apron strings asking if she's a good girl for the info she got.

I also hate feeling this way, because what if I'm wrong? What if this feeling is just false, hell I haven't heard anything from the Sgt. about the missing girl, or seen anything on the news about it, so maybe my feeling was wrong about that too.

-shrugs- Maybe my feelings are just all out of whack right now...I don't know, but I don't like it.

Well, there you have it.

2009-03-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

So, the last couple days I have been talking to the person in the last blog, and I think I got my stuff straightened up with her, so I'm still allowed on the site. I've kept everyone I can on there also, so yay me!

Recently, one of my favorite webcomic creators Megan, creator of Yu+Me and I was Kidnapped by Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space decided to bring back the Yu+Me forum after some...not pressure, but asking for it, from myself and a couple others on her Cbox, and she did! And guess who mods it! ME :3

Well, I'm one of the mods. But I'm very excited about it. I've been sorta modding allot of chat boards, esp. the one with the cheese problem, and it totally feels like I'm here on this earth to moderate things...is that weird?

I haven't heard back from any job, but it's not so much an urgency now though, but I would love to you know, have some grocery money, and a little 'oh pretty must have!' money, ya know?

How bad is it that you can't even get a job at McDonald's?

Loosing Respect

2009-03-12T17:28:00.000-07:00

I have completely lost respect for someone today, and it's a horrible feeling.

I've known this person for 6-7 years, and I always looked up to her, she made a website for animals, helped animals, made donations from what she got from the site, and I've made many, many friends from the site.

But she has said many, many hurtful things to everyone on her site the past 2 days, over pixelated cheese no less, and it really, really pissed me off.

This is a site where CHILDREN go. Kids under 12 and she's saying things like 'sheesh, its like you all need your hand held for every little thing on here. amazed some of you actually survive in real life.'

Just because they asked to make a game funner...is that a word?

Yesterday she singled out one player for giving out hints, or you know making the game funner, and made that player almost cry and feel ashamed (talked with her on IM) which is bull. Considering the whole chat board was full of people not only giving out hints, but asking for them.

I've been spending the last 2 days talking to people, making them stay on the site, cleaning up her mess.

You just can't talk that way to kids.

Thorn is ending and I am sad.

2009-03-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite web comics, and one of the first to get me into web comics, Thorn, is putting away the pencils.

The artist, Amy, is going on to bigger and much better things for herself, and I couldn't be happier for her. I wish that for all the artist in the web comics I frequent, because allot of them do this for free, while trying to lead another life with work and loved ones.

They keep doing what they do when others tell them what they think they should be doing 'Hey, I don't like this drawing style, go back to the old one!' 'There is not enough Lesbian kissing in this lesbian story to keep me interested!' and so on and so forth.

I have very high respect for those who take that criticism, and then tell them to shove it. It's very wonderful when I see things like that and it just makes me love the story even more.

I think I would start losing respect for those artists when they start changing their story, for the fans. Yes the fans make the comic what it is, but if they don't respect where the author wants to take it, then they are not fans, new fans are born every day, and I try my best to bring them to some wonderful web comics.

Any who, Thorn is over to the side, and I suggest reading it, because it is adorable, and you'll fall in love with Rosie and her family as much as I did. Amy has also mentioned future projects with the family, so I hope to see some soon!

Clawdee and Future Husband + 8? WHA?

2009-03-11T17:19:00.000-07:00

So you know I hate Jon and Kate +8, that was another blog. But I just recently found out a tidbit about Mrs. Kate...

The reason they had to do fertility drugs, was because she has Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I happen to have the same thing. Polycystic (pah-lee-SIS-tik) ovary syndrome is a health problem that can affect a woman's menstrual cycle, ability to have children, hormones, heart, blood vessels, and appearance.

Which means that if I ever want to have a child the natural way, I'd need to go the way that Kate, and 1 in 10 women do, the fertility drugs.

But, I can barely take care of myself, what happens if I accidentally pop out 6 babies?

For some reason, I think tonights dream is going to be a night mare, ick.

Good News!

2009-03-10T18:27:00.001-07:00

Just got a call from our lovely loan lady Nina, and, we don't have to make an April payment! Which is the one we would NOT have been able to make, and then a domino effect of us loosing the car, no getting to work, loosing job and ultimately loosing the house, would have started.

But thanks to that announcement from Lovely Nina, the only thing I have to worry about is coming up with $40 to finish paying my taxes.

Wow, the moon moves so fast...

2009-03-10T14:07:00.000-07:00

What I can remember of my dream last night was trippy. The first half of the night was sex, and then something about an island.

With webs around the water to keep out invaders (?) and lots of boats and explosives. And guitar hero....

But what I remember the most is the moon, me and another girl where..dating I guess you would say, 2 guys, and while out inn this new world, the moon went by incredibly fast, then it came back, and forth, all night changing shape. Very weird.

Nothing new to talk about today, no one has called, so I'll have to jump on ChaCha, and do what I can there, work all day and night if I have to, which I might have to.

To those who don't know what ChaCha is, go visit ChaCha.com and use it, you're helping feed families when you do!

In which there was nothing but sex.

2009-03-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

Don't remember much about my dreams the past couple nights except that there is ALOT of sex involved..and I won't bore you with those details.

Life has been going also, but I thought you deserved something, since I havn't blogged in a couple days.

I've sent off my application to McDonalds, getting my Taco Bell one done, and hoping they call soon because we might be loosing the car, and house soon, by May if I don't get a job, and I still don't have the money to pay off the IRS, it's only $130, but that money normally goes to paying the grocery bill.

I honestly have no idea what we are going to do if we can't make the payment, we won't even have a car to live in when we loose the house.

I keep asking mom to cut back on some things, like cable, the long distance phone, that's an extra $100 a month, which would cover what we need, but she won't do it.

I'm really, really thinking about asking a friend if I can move halfway across the states to live with her and her husband a bit because they are hiring over where she is, good jobs with good pay...but I don't want to crowed her and her husband you know?

We can't sell things because no one is buying, so a garage sale is out of the question, though we do have enough to fill one, we're just going to have to, God I don't know...they don't pay you for blood anymore, and no one here in the house has sperm to sell, or at least he isn't old enough. Everyone's eggs in the house is too old, too young or too fat to sell.

Living in this world now-a-days, just sucks the life right out of you doesn't it?

Dreaming of Steve

2009-03-06T02:12:00.000-08:00

So why not start the dream blogs with something interesting right?

To give you some background, we live in a 'community' or as I like to call it because of all their stupid rules, the Compound. And we're pretty close to our neighbors, only about 4 feet away from their house/property.

On to the dream -insert wavy motion here-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, the dream started out at home, my mother had broken up with boyfriend number 2, named Steve, he lived in the compound also. And he was good friends with our neighbors to the right.

I was drying the dishes and I noticed that allot of our silver ware was missing. Mom said she thought that Steve was breaking into the house at night, and stealing them to make her think she was crazy or something, that pissed me off. But my dream self had thoughts about hiding in the bathroom with the phone at night to call the cops when he showed up. (Yes, my dream self has thoughts, I dream in color too and I even died once.)

But it was not needed, as he was visiting our neighbors that day. I started yelling at him, and then he pushed me down, got on top of me and started beating me. Next to me was a shelf with items on it. This all happened in our living room, and no we have no such shelf, but the items that where on it was items I have in real life. A couple where some snow globes that mean something to me, and I couldn't bring myself to hit him over the head with them.

One fell off the shelf though and knocked me out, my luck eh? I woke up later, feeling violated, so I don't know if I was raped or not. I was fully clothed. Mom must have done something to him because he was also knocked out on the floor...

I made a deal with him that I wouldn't kick his ass again if he left us alone, and got us another house in the compound, worth the same as our house of course (even trade man! XD) and he agreed.

He later became a bitch, and complained to someone about it. No idea how she was connected, but not only was she my mom's boss, but she had something to do with the compound? She told us no way Jose on the house switching, AND ripped up our current house owner thingy...I called her, and the one thing I remember saying was 'Am I talking to a person, or an answering machine?' and her yelling all kinds of rap at me, yes, she yelled/sang rap at me...and then me trying to talk calmly to her as she was yelling at me, me finally saying 'WELL FUCK YOU BITCH' and hanging up the phone. Then worrying about if my mom would be fired.

This is where it gets even weirder.

After all that, I have a ... vision I guess you would say, of this lady coming to where I worked. Which BTW, was a newspaper or magazine...but a very lazy one. One where we had a Wii in the TV room...BUT my work was out in the middle of a WoW (World of Warcraft) forest. And I was transformed, into a wizard, or mage..or someone who practices magic.

Now, the next thing I know, this lady who I was talking to on the phone comes bursting in asking where I am and what not, and I'm just sitting there, right in front of her, not talking (remember she only talked to me on the phone and doesn't know what I look like!) while she's running around and screaming, it's pretty funny actually.

She runs up to one guy, who I knew in high school, had a major crush on, and in real life he was paralyzed from the waist down, but in my dream he wasn't and he was really tall so he towered over her, and he asked her to leave. She leaves, and then everyone turns into someone else..more like they disguised themselves when she showed up and they changed back. It was weird.

The End.

Thank you Jorge Garcia

2009-03-06T02:03:00.000-08:00

http://dispatchesfromtheisland.blogspot.com/2007/10/blog-to-blog.html

That's what I've been dealing with. Do you just blog to blog, or do you only blog when you got something important to say.

I don't feel that my life is all that interesting at the moment to blog daily about it. I'm 21, live at home and am searching for a job. I spend my extra time (ie ALL THE TIME) either cleaning house, playing WoW, or getting my badges, and hoping for a jackpot on Pogo.

Not interesting right? See, told ya. I could always blog about my dreams, cause that is some weird shit. But most of my everyday 'blogging' is done on twitter, which I have live feed coming to this everyday.

I would like to get one blog out a day, but we'll see how that goes.

And thank you Jorge Garcia for giving me today's blog. I don't watch Lost (because I've only seen 2 episodes and I'm lost enough already) but you're a good actor and you seem like a great guy! You know, if you ever read this....or whatever....

Jon and Kate + Hate

2009-03-03T05:07:00.000-08:00

I'm guessing everyone knows about the TLC show called Jon and Kate + 8 now right? No? Let's review.

Jon and Kate got married, couldn't have babies, used fertility treatments, had twins Cara and Maddy. Couple years later, they tried for just ONE more, and got 6, 3 girls and 3 boys. Jon is a mommas boy, and Kate is a female BEAST. Very germaphobic, likes to clean, and is very verbally abusive. And they have a TV show, about the kids, or at least it's supposed to be.

Now, before you jump down my throat, let me say that I used to LOVE this show and family. Except Kate, she always rubbed me the wrong way.

And lately, the show isn't Jon and Kate + 8, it's Jon and Kate + Hate. You hardly see the kids anymore, all you see is Kate being nasty, and Jon tucking his tail between his legs in shame, or fear, I'm betting more on shame.

I would love to take all the little kidlets away from them because they are so adorable, and just hide them in my house and love them to pieces, lord knows they don't get any at home.

I bet you're saying 'What about the Duggers or the Roloffs?' Okay, have you not seen those shows? They LOVE each other, they are grateful for everything and anything they can get. The Duggers wear hand me downs (if I recall correctly) and the family actually spend time with family and friends. When is the last time we saw Aunt Jodi or Beth on J&K? MONTHS ago. The kids don't have friends, no contact with family. Just their parents, and the camera crew.

All I know is that this show needs to end soon, the kids have expressed that they don't want to do it anymore, and Kate always said that when they said 'No' she would put a stop to it, but we all know it was just for show right?

I have heard a rumor that Jon has left Kate, wonder who he's going to get to babysit him now.

Doing the right thing can hurt sometiems Pt 2

2009-03-03T03:58:00.000-08:00

Why?

Think of it this way, the way I did.

This girl was 3 when she was taken from her family. You don't remember anything at that age. In the newer pictures, she looked very happy and well adjusted. I think whoever took her, told her something bad about her parents, IE they died, they don't love you any more, they can't take care of you, blah blah blah, and adopted her out.

She's been living with this new, loving family for 3 years. The 3 years she actually remembers, the only family she can remember! Though I know her family misses her terribly, what happens if you rip her from the only family she knows? Not only would they feel the same heart break that her biological family felt, but she would be torn up too. She'll be placed with people who are strangers to her.

I've been having dreams since I sent in the tip of the girl and both sets of parents going to court over this (kidnapping case, hello!) and the judge doing the right thing, or what I think would be the right thing.

Joint Custody. That's the only thing that is fair, and seems right.

Yes she was kidnapped, but does her current family know that? I, personally, don't think so. Should they be punished? No, of course not. But neither should her bio family. And neither should she. Everyone wants to do what's best for the child, and allowing her to be with her current family, but also re-getting to know, and hanging out with her bio family, seems to be what's best for her.

Again, from the pictures I've seen of this girl, she has friends, is involved in loads of things, and seems very well adjusted. Yes, I know, pictures can lie, but they are also worth 1,000 words.

I avidly watch AMW and will keep my eye out for any info regarding Reachelle and her case, and I asked Sgt. David to please keep me informed, but lord knows how many tips that man is swimming through.

If the girl I believe in my heart is not Reachelle, then I hope they find her soon, and if not, I hope she is happy where ever she is, and safe.

Doing the right thing can hurt sometimes. Pt. 1

2009-03-03T02:30:00.000-08:00

Recently I was forwarded a Missing Child poster from my aunt, complete with Snopes link so I knew it was real. http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/missing/reachelle.asp

Later on that day, while going through some TwitPics of someone I semi know, and came across some pictures she took of a little girl, and she looked very familiar to me.

Now, I had seen the poster hours earlier and did what I normally do, look at the pictures quickly, decided I didn't know her, read the info, and forwarded it. But I sat there staring at this picture of a 6-7 year old girl, and I just couldn't shake that I knew this girl, that I had seen her somewhere else, the missing poster was nowhere in my mind. I saved the picture to my bookmarks, just in case I figured it out, and went about my day.

Much later, I opened up the Snopes link again to forward to a couple more people I missed the first time, and re-looked at the pictures for an odd reason. It then clicked.

Reachelle Smith was the same little girl I had just looked at earlier in the TwitPics, there was no doubt in my mind about it. I brought up the picture, and sat there for half an hour looking at Reachelle at 3 years, and then the new pic, Reachelle at about 6-7 years. Back and forth, over and over, and it just got stronger for me that this was the same girl.

I quickly followed the link to amw.com, sent in the picture, and description of how I found it among why I thought it was her.

The next day I did some more digging on the girl I found in the photo, found more photo's and even more similarities between the 2 girls. Eyes, nose, mouth, teeth even (thought that's not a huge thing, I had a gap too, but you never know) after sharing my findings with a friend, and asking her, she pointed out a couple things to me also, which just strengthened my conviction that it was her.

I then got a letter from a Sgt. David in charge of her case, asking me to contact him. I sent the new photo's, along with why I think it's her, and all the other info I could provide on her, which wasn't much, but she could easily be found (for a cop at least) from what I told him.

Now it's a sit and wait game.

Pt. 2 which will be up tomorrow details why doing the right thing can hurt sometimes.

You, are a pool.

2009-03-01T04:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, you. You sir, and madam, are a pool.

What do I mean by that?

Well, people always say, it doesn't matter how you look, it's whats on the inside.

And I? Call BULLSHIT.

Yes, OK that's the shallow end of the pool. But you can be both shallow and deep. Believe me, I know, I'm the biggest pool out there so far, I even have my own slide.

To those people who say beauty is on the inside, yes it is, but are you really going to love and live with the man whose teeth gross you out? Think about it. Yellow teeth with gunk on them and stuff stuck so far in there you think it's there from when he was a toddler. BUT, he has a FANTASTIC SOUL! Now think about french kissing him every day, twice a day in fact.

Did you just barf a little? That's what I thought.

Now, I'm not saying that us women, or even men (yes you too guys!) like only the model perfect mate! We are attracted to some weird ass shit ladies and gentlemen! Well, OK not weird, but not 'model perfect' as some might think.

I, for instance, love, love, love Richard Belzer, not just his voice, but I would totally just run up to him and give him a big fat Clawdee kiss. You know, if he hasn't been married for the past 24 years. I find him HOT, for a 65 year old.

But I also like some 'model perfect' guys too.

Looks all depend on the person.

But everyone, is a pool.

Nice guys finish last...

2009-02-28T01:34:00.000-08:00

We all know the saying, 'Nice guys finish last'. Where the girl always dreams about the nice guy, but dates the rockers and druggies then complains about never finding the 'nice guy' to her guy friend, who is in fact, a 'nice guy'.

But the woman will always go for the Rocker and druggie, cause that's what attracts her. The danger. Blah.

Now you also have to wonder, where are all the nice girls? I'll tell you where they are, being friends to the nice guy, and while the nice guy is pining over the bad girl, who is pining over the bad guy, the nice guy is bitching to the nice girl, while the nice girl is pining for the nice guy. And the bad guy, pining for the nice girl.

Lovely circle isn't it? And in the end, no one ends up with who they want, they all settle. Yes we do have the lucky few who have found their forever love, but the rest of us just sit in this circle of hell, waiting for the right person to wake up and realize everything.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Web Comcis

2009-01-31T16:30:00.000-08:00

So, for the past 2 days I've been reading 'The Devil's Panties' and it's been really making me think of doing my own comic, I mean, my life is interesting and junk.

But then I remembered, I don't draw very well, at all. So, I think I'll practice different styles and see what happens in the futures.

OH. And BTW, I never dyed my hair. I thought about it, and it freaking took me years to get my hair all one color, and I love it. So it stays like this until I can get it done professionally, which will be when I get a job.

Dreams are Mean Man

2009-01-30T16:31:00.000-08:00

Last nights dream was weird, but let me give you a little background. I'm single, so I often dream about guys, dating marrige having kids, blah blah blah. But I can never remember the guys face or name when I wake up, maybe just small glances like a chin or something, but that's it.

Last night in my dream, I was dating this wonderful guy, but he wouldn't let me see his face. He always kept it hidden from me. Everyone else knew what he looked like, and no one would tell me.

I worked for a relative of his, she was older so maybe a grandma or aunt, and even she wouldn't tell me.

Then some guys came onto their property, messed up her flower garden, and I was so pissed that no one would tell me what he looked like, that I tackled the guys and beat them up.

I was also wearing high heels that where mis-matched.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Papa Murphy's Cheese Stix

2009-01-29T23:15:00.000-08:00

Are so totally yummy I could eat the whole darn thing.

But, it's kinda pricey for take and bake.

So I made my own! For cheaper!

http://www.angelfire.com/country/fauziaspakistan/cheesybreadsticks.html

Take that recipe, but just for the bread part, because it's uber yummy, and then for topping, instead of Oil and garlic salt (btw, if you don't have olive oil, regular veggie oil works just as well!) I use margarine (tub butter!) and then I sprinkle some Johnny's Great Caesar Garlic Spread and Seasoning.

You can find it at your local grocery store, Safe Way, Ralph's, Albertson's there's a list on the site. But it's a nice big 18oz jar for only $7.

Sprinkle that over the butter, then top with your favorite shredded cheese! Papa Murhpy's uses a Mozzarella and Cheddar mix, but you can put Colby Jack or whatever you want.

Mine's in the oven right now, and my mouth is watering just thinking about how yummy it is!

Oh, I usually just do half the bread recipe, and that makes a good amount, about 15+ sticks, course, I don't cut them the 'recipe' way. I cut them like that then in half, more sticks less navigating that giant thing around! Really, you need a 10inch stick?

This, is the internet.

2009-01-28T22:13:00.000-08:00

OK, so I have an account at eHarmony, I have my aim name in there so that I don't have to pay 200dollars I don't have to chat with pricks.

Last night, I got an IM from a guy, and Oh, my, goodness.

Every time I said something he didn't agree with, he had to say 'this is why I don't like the Internet.'

Really? Cause people are different to your face or over the phone? When I told him I was taking care of the kids (siblings) he immediately thought they where mine, and did the whole 'this is why blah blah I'm a pussy blah' thing.

So if you meet a girl face to face in a bar she's going to tell you right off the bat 'hey I think you're cute but I have 2 kids that I had when I was 15'? Same with over the phone!

It's not the Internet that's the problem buddy, I think it's you. You're not a prize either, lower your expectation bar a bit and you might find a girl for you.

Wil Wheaton

2009-01-26T00:30:00.000-08:00

Is a pretty nifty guy.

I like him. I haven't seen too many of his movies, I think I've seen just part of 'Stand By Me' saw him in the episode of Numb3rs, and heard him in a couple of cartoons. I never really got into him, until someone sent me the link to his blog, and I got hooked!

He's a fun guy, he has many books out, many shows out, and I totally want to see him play the bad guy in his episode of 'Criminal Minds'. He is an incredible actor, and just really fun.

So here's a link to his blog: http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/, his twitter: http://twitter.com/wilw and if you're feeling stalkerish, his flickr account: http://www.flickr.com/photos/wilwheaton/

I've been following all of them for a couple months, and it's kept me very informed and entertained!

Enjoy!

I love it when a plan works.

2009-01-23T15:58:00.000-08:00

More people need to put their IM or email info secretly on their eHarmony profiles. For reals man.

Rainy Weather

2009-01-22T21:50:00.000-08:00

I told myself I wouldn't use this blog for complaining, and I swear I won't. Yes the past 2 blogs have been a bit whiny, I'll break the cycle I swear I will!

After this blog.

I know it's winter, and thank God we don't have snow, but don't you just hate it when it rains on the weekend and you had out door plans?

We where supposed to go down to a Lake this weekend on a Day Adventure and Picnic last we did last week, but with the rain I don't see that happening.

I'm wondering though if I can talk mom into just taking a drive around parts of town we don't know so well, maybe even down to the Lake and see if it's even worth packing up a picnic and heading down, I know last weeks lake wasn't, not in winter anyway, darn water level.

So, we'll drive around, and hopefully I'll get some good photographs out of this weekend. I'll post if I do, so don't worry.

I'm also still thinking about dying my hair red. Well, reddish. My hair is a very dark brown and doesn't hold colors like it's supposed to, which is good. Hair dye's normally just add a nice highlight to my hair which I like. But sometimes I do worry about the colors on the box, like, the red I have is like Deborah Messing Red, which will not bode well for me.

I think I'll do it tomorrow, wish me luck!

They said online dating was easier.

2009-01-22T11:35:00.000-08:00

Well, that's what I've been told, and I think the people who've told me this are big fat liars. It's harder then ever if you don't have any money.

Subscriptions to all the big name dating sites will eat at your wallet like 5 teenage girls getting ready for prom.

They have these deals where it's only$19.95 a month! But, you have to pay all 12 months in advance! Really? Do I look like I have $200 to spend on this? Or I can pay in 3 monthly installments of like $80, there is also the 'One Month Only' plan, $60 and a hearty 'Good luck finding love in a month!' and you're done.

Now I'm glad that eHarmony has a free weekend about once a month, I met a couple of great guys on the New Years weekend, though we're just staying friends. But I have about 4 other guys who've sent me communication or winks, and now I have to sit and wait for Valentines Free Weekend to roll around, or until I magically earn $300 to put on my credit card. -shivers-

It would be so much cheaper to go out, buy 5 more cats, and become the crazy cat lady on the street.

Obama-family-Rama

2009-01-22T01:25:00.000-08:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/01/15/obama.family/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

I really, really liked this article, and it's very spot on. The last African~American family I can think of that has been shown in a positive, well adjusted light was The Cosby Family. You could maybe throw in the Winslow family from 'Family Matters' , but only if Steve Urkle wasn't in it, or at least not as...Urkle-y as he was.

Also, you never really see just one, well adjusted African~American in TV today. At least I really haven't. I used to watch 'Friends' all the time, they didn't bring an African~American on until about season 6, as a semi~main character. Then we have Omar Epps from 'House M.D.' he's sorta well adjusted, a little jaded, and lonely -wants to hug him- but adjusted. I don't watch much TV, so I really don't know how many African~Americans are actually on it, I can think of one other, the wonderful Alimi Ballard on 'Numb3rs'.

But it's not just African~Americans we need more of on TV as positive role models. We need more of every race and religion out there.

The USA is supposed to be the Melting Pot of the world, but when I look at it, in a print and TV view, it's white dominated, or spray tan dominated, either way, we need more COLOR on TV.

And it's now almost 1:30am, and I have to get to sleep. I'll leave you with this post to think about, and have a nice night everyone.